Not depressed

I haven’t been depressed for a while. But I said it out loud today. “I’m not depressed.”

The move to Virginia certainly brought up feelings like depression – loneliness, fatigue, a little hopelessness. For me, that’s different from depression, which is lots of hopelessness.  But the transition of moving was hard, like a mild depression without all the full-on depression characteristics. I wondered if the feelings would intensify and change to depression. I think I lived with some fear that it would come back due to the move.

But today, in my psychiatrist’s office, I told him that I’m not depressed.

We’re going to reduce one of my meds, which makes me a little nervous, because it’s the med that brought me out of depression in the first place. But it has a weird side-effect – chewing. I chew my teeth together all the time; I’m grinding my teeth all day. In an effort to keep this from becoming a permanent motion, we’re cutting that anti-depressant in half. I’m a little nervous about it, about the depression returning without the full medication to keep it at bay. But I think I’m in a better place emotionally, and so I’m willing to give the reduction a try.

It’s nice to not be depressed. My days are full of light, not grayness.  I can hear when birds chirp – the finches found my feeder, and seeing them flit around gives me a brief joy. I don’t dread each day, which I had been doing after the move here. I have energy, and am seriously considering adding exercise back into my routine. This was never a workable plan when I was depressed: I knew I should exercise, but couldn’t work up the energy to do it. I still probably sleep too much – I nap almost every day because I have nothing better to do. But I’m sleeping well at night, so I’m not worried about it – I’m napping from boredom, not depression.  I’m eating and sleeping well. I look forward to seeing people. Looking forward – that’s not depression.

I still have brief bouts of sadness or anxiety, but can usually recover pretty quickly with prayer. Getting my eyes off myself and back onto the Lord – who He is, how He sees me and loves me – eases those emotions. When I was depressed, I couldn’t lift my eyes from my misery, and sure couldn’t see God in it.  I had to trust He was there, because I didn’t feel Him at all.  I depended on the truths I knew from Scripture about God’s goodness, because I didn’t sense it, didn’t believe it with my emotions. I had great friends reminding me of His presence and companionship, His faithfulness and care. That’s the emptiness of depression – so self-focused that I was unable to see God with me. Those negative emotions have lessened. Now it’s just occasional – normal – feelings.

It’s nice to feel normal.

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16 thoughts on “Not depressed

  1. Julie July 9, 2017 / 1:38 am

    This is so good to read Peggy. yay. Saying a prayer that all will go well with the reduction.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sarah Buchanan July 8, 2017 / 1:35 am

    What a fabulous thing to be able to say out loud! Alleluia!!!

    Love you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Kellie Nolan July 7, 2017 / 5:03 pm

    Hugs of happiness to you! I love that you have the birds chirping and find joy in their song. I think they sing just to make you smile. Missing you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • peggyricewi July 7, 2017 / 5:07 pm

      Miss you too! Hope life is treating you and Bryon well!

      Like

  4. dawnlizjones July 7, 2017 / 4:51 pm

    You just help me understand. I need that, about myself and others. I need that for compassion (for myself and others.) I’m so glad you’re in a better place. I hate the side effects of medication and I hate having to be on medication to deal with our imperfect bodies and how they respond to our harsh environments. The doc just added yet another to help with migraines, so I feel like a walking apothecary! Soon, I will retire from my “day” job, and I’m hoping I will be able to go off some of this pharmaceutical duct tape. In the meantime, please be careful and vigilant yourself!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Anne Snow July 7, 2017 / 3:45 pm

    Reading this post brought a smile to my face and heart! More cheers and hugs, you are amazing!

    Liked by 1 person

    • peggyricewi July 7, 2017 / 3:50 pm

      Thanks for the encouragement. Love you! Miss you!

      Like

  6. theapplesinmyorchard July 7, 2017 / 3:31 pm

    This is so good to hear! Last week, when I had so much on my plate, I felt my anxiety bubble up within me…two nights of only five hours sleep was a huge warning signal for me. I knew I had to reduce what I could. And, I did! It helped so much.I also know that writing about it (or what is eating at me) also alleviates the worry from growing. Acknowledging that occasionally there will be times when anger, sadness, lonliness, and even anxiety are all there but not signalling something more. You sound happy and healthy! Cheers and hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

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