This is the word I’ve used recently to describe how I feel.

In the past couple of weeks, I’ve had several down days. Days of loneliness, days of insecurity, days of grayness.

Feeling untethered, unanchored. Bobbing up and down in choppy seas.

Not sure of my purpose. Not sure of my “why.” Not sure of what tasks to undertake next. Not sure of who I am or who I will be. Or even who I want to be.

Uncertain of relationships and commitments and activities.

Wondering what it might be to live in wholeness, instead of simply existing between depressive episodes. I’m going through a workbook to address that issue – living in fullness and wellness in spite of a mental health diagnosis (Fresh Hope). And I wonder what that feels like. I think I define myself as “a depressed person, currently in remission.” What would it be to call myself “healthy, with possible – occasional – bouts of depression?” Transition the focus to the positive. I’m hoping this workbook will help me in that mental shift.

In the meantime, I finish up my job. I’m excited about my trip to hang out with my daughter and best friend, and connect with other dear friends and a cousin, too. I anticipate future volunteer opportunities, yoga classes, starting a mental health support group. I’m praying about that last one in particular, that God would line up all those details.

And that I would no longer be assembling my boat in the middle of the ocean, adrift and bobbing up and down in the waves.

But then I remember:

“So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls...” Hebrews‬ ‭6:18-19‬ ‭NLT‬‬ (

I cry out to God for refuge, and then I am anchored in His love for me – His promise of eternity with Him, because of the sacrifice of His Son, Jesus. He has a hold on me. I will trust Him for my future. I need to continue to assure myself that He won’t let me float away. He’s got a gracious grip on me and my future, and I am secure in His grasp.

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11 NLT (, Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation.)

I have hope. He is an anchor for the soul. A safe harbor. A refuge. God’s got me, and I am fine.


Depression is… and is not…


Depression Is:

  • Real – it has been scientifically and medically proven to exist – it even shows up on brain scans; it’s not just “all in your head.”
  • An illness – but it is invisible to onlookers.
  • The result of a fallen sinful world – this was not part of God’s original perfect design for humankind.
  • Exhausting – some days, it can take all of my energy just to get out of bed.
  • Endless – it feels hopeless, like it will never end.
  • Different from sadness – it’s deeper, darker, heavier, more debilitating.
  • Isolating – I want to be alone in my despair; it’s too hard to pretend to be okay around others.
  • Common – 1 in 3 people will experience at least one episode of depression in their lifetime.

Depression Is Not:

  • My fault – I didn’t do this to myself, and there is no one to blame.
  • A sin – it is not disobedience to God, nor is it punishment from Him.
  • Easy to overcome – healing can be a multi-faceted process, and sometimes a long one.
  • Simple – it’s complicated by circumstances, genetics, brain chemistry, and more.
  • Discriminatory — it can affect anyone, regardless of age, income, gender, or race.
  • The same for everyone – that’s part of what makes it so complicated to treat; though there are common symptoms, everyone responds differently to the disease and it’s “cure.”
  • A choice – anymore than I could choose to have diabetes or cancer.
  • A sign of weakness – in fact, the strongest folks may be those with depression who keep waking up each day.

Depression is a complicated illness, a mess of the wrong amounts or kinds of brain chemicals. It’s not something I can just “get over.” In fact, the longer I wait to get help, the longer my recovery will be.

If you or someone you know suffers from depression, don’t be afraid to seek help. Tell  your doctor or medical professional. Or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at
1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273-talk).

My “Why”

Watch this first (it’s short):

Michael Jr. Comedy – Know Your Why

My “why” – to reduce the stigma of depression, especially in Christian circles.

My “what” – to lead a support group for Christians struggling with depression; to blog about depression within and for the Christian community; who knows what other “whats” I have!

Lord God, let me follow your leading in my pursuit of this passion.

(Thank you,, for the link to this significant video.)

A Wine Tasting Party

Last Saturday night, my husband and I hosted a Wine Tasting Party for five guests. It was supposed to be Wine and/or Beer Tasting, since we assumed that not all of our guests would like wine. But only one couple brought beer, and everybody agreed to just drink Pinot Noir for the evening.

My husband had made a delicious spinach/artichoke dip, and we served it in bread bowls. I also brought out a variety of cheeses and artisan breads. A bit carb-heavy, but delicious! The Parmesan cheese was particularly good with the wines.

Everyone got a scorecard and a wineglass, plus their plateful of goodies (which we later brought to the table for easy reach). We did not hide labels, but instead recorded the name and year of each wine. My husband poured a little of one wine into each glass, and we all studied our goblets. (We repeated the process for each wine.)

We examined the color – ranging from clear red to deep garnet. We learned about legs – the viscosity of the wine, which also indicates the alcohol content; those of us who had the cut-crystal goblets had a tougher time seeing the wine cling to the glass. We stuck our noses in deep, and inhaled the bouquet – did we smell grass or oak or mushrooms? We read the label to see if we could tell. Everybody took a sip with a mouthful of air, and let the wine wash through our mouths – we tasted jam and cherry and once tasted licorice. We commented on the aftertaste. Some left our tongues feeling dry, and some stayed on the palate a long time. We all finished our glasses and sometimes had a little more before starting the process again with the next bottle.

Next to each of these categories, we wrote down scores – for color, bouquet, taste and finish. Some recorded only numbers, while others of us wrote long explanations. When all of the wines had been tasted, we each totaled the scores and ranked them. We tried five different wines (one we tried very cold vs room temperature to see the difference). We all agreed which was our least favorite, but the rest of the results were mixed.

We ended the evening with champagne and chocolate fondue and dippers (strawberries, bananas, pineapple, marshmallows, Nilla Wafers). And the beers – locally brewed – were tasted and evaluated by several guests.

A fun time was had by all. And the leftover bread made great French toast this morning!

Naming My Blog

I’m in the midst of a 5-day blogging bootcamp. Our first assignment is to come up with a name for our blog, which is causing me to rethink mine: Gray Clouds, Clear Skies; I am not my depression.

I’ve been blogging for a couple of years, in fits and starts. Not with any schedule, but more as the topic or mood hits me. I participated in several “classes” through, my blogging host site, which I greatly enjoyed. I may even retake one or two, just for the discipline of it.

I’d like to get better at this blogging thing, develop more consistency, maybe reach more readers. And now I’m wondering about my blog name.

I really like my tag line: “I am not my depression,” and maybe that would be a better description of my blog, but it’s not available as it’s own .com website; that domain has already been taken.

I might be able to rename what I have, and keep it here on I like that idea, because WordPress has great tools and support, especially to me as I am still finding my way in this blogging world.

Or I could build my own site, with a suffix other than “.com.”

Any suggestions?