This is the word I’ve used recently to describe how I feel.

In the past couple of weeks, I’ve had several down days. Days of loneliness, days of insecurity, days of grayness.

Feeling untethered, unanchored. Bobbing up and down in choppy seas.

Not sure of my purpose. Not sure of my “why.” Not sure of what tasks to undertake next. Not sure of who I am or who I will be. Or even who I want to be.

Uncertain of relationships and commitments and activities.

Wondering what it might be to live in wholeness, instead of simply existing between depressive episodes. I’m going through a workbook to address that issue – living in fullness and wellness in spite of a mental health diagnosis (Fresh Hope). And I wonder what that feels like. I think I define myself as “a depressed person, currently in remission.” What would it be to call myself “healthy, with possible – occasional – bouts of depression?” Transition the focus to the positive. I’m hoping this workbook will help me in that mental shift.

In the meantime, I finish up my job. I’m excited about my trip to hang out with my daughter and best friend, and connect with other dear friends and a cousin, too. I anticipate future volunteer opportunities, yoga classes, starting a mental health support group. I’m praying about that last one in particular, that God would line up all those details.

And that I would no longer be assembling my boat in the middle of the ocean, adrift and bobbing up and down in the waves.

But then I remember:

“So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls...” Hebrews‬ ‭6:18-19‬ ‭NLT‬‬ (

I cry out to God for refuge, and then I am anchored in His love for me – His promise of eternity with Him, because of the sacrifice of His Son, Jesus. He has a hold on me. I will trust Him for my future. I need to continue to assure myself that He won’t let me float away. He’s got a gracious grip on me and my future, and I am secure in His grasp.

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11 NLT (, Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation.)

I have hope. He is an anchor for the soul. A safe harbor. A refuge. God’s got me, and I am fine.


Depression is… and is not…


Depression Is:

  • Real – it has been scientifically and medically proven to exist – it even shows up on brain scans; it’s not just “all in your head.”
  • An illness – but it is invisible to onlookers.
  • The result of a fallen sinful world – this was not part of God’s original perfect design for humankind.
  • Exhausting – some days, it can take all of my energy just to get out of bed.
  • Endless – it feels hopeless, like it will never end.
  • Different from sadness – it’s deeper, darker, heavier, more debilitating.
  • Isolating – I want to be alone in my despair; it’s too hard to pretend to be okay around others.
  • Common – 1 in 3 people will experience at least one episode of depression in their lifetime.

Depression Is Not:

  • My fault – I didn’t do this to myself, and there is no one to blame.
  • A sin – it is not disobedience to God, nor is it punishment from Him.
  • Easy to overcome – healing can be a multi-faceted process, and sometimes a long one.
  • Simple – it’s complicated by circumstances, genetics, brain chemistry, and more.
  • Discriminatory — it can affect anyone, regardless of age, income, gender, or race.
  • The same for everyone – that’s part of what makes it so complicated to treat; though there are common symptoms, everyone responds differently to the disease and it’s “cure.”
  • A choice – anymore than I could choose to have diabetes or cancer.
  • A sign of weakness – in fact, the strongest folks may be those with depression who keep waking up each day.

Depression is a complicated illness, a mess of the wrong amounts or kinds of brain chemicals. It’s not something I can just “get over.” In fact, the longer I wait to get help, the longer my recovery will be.

If you or someone you know suffers from depression, don’t be afraid to seek help. Tell  your doctor or medical professional. Or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at
1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273-talk).

My “Why”

Watch this first (it’s short):

Michael Jr. Comedy – Know Your Why

My “why” – to reduce the stigma of depression, especially in Christian circles.

My “what” – to lead a support group for Christians struggling with depression; to blog about depression within and for the Christian community; who knows what other “whats” I have!

Lord God, let me follow your leading in my pursuit of this passion.

(Thank you,, for the link to this significant video.)

The Lord is…

…my rock, my fortress and my savior; 2 Samuel 22:2b

…a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Psalm 9:9

…always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. Psalm 16:8b

…my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. Psalm 18:2

…my shepherd, I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. Even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever. Psalm 23

…my light and my salvation – so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble? Psalm 27:1

…my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy…Psalm 28:7

…close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:18

…my fortress; my God is the mighty rock where I hide. Psalm 92:22

…a great God, a great King above all gods. Psalm 95:3

…God! He made us, and we are his. We are his people, the sheep of his pasture. Psalm 100:3

…good. His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation. Psalm 100:5

…compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. Psalm 103:8

…for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me? Psalm 118:6

…my strength and my song; he has given me victory. Psalm 118:14

…close to all who call on him, yes, to all who call on him in truth. Psalm 145:18

…righteous in everything he does; he is filled with kindness. Psalm 147:15

…your security. He will keep your foot from being caught in a trap. Proverbs 3:26

…a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help. Isaiah 30:18b

…the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. Isaiah 40:28

…good. His faithful love endures forever!… Jeremiah 33:11b

…my inheritance; therefore I will hope in him! The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him. Lamentations 3:24-25

…good, a strong refuge when trouble comes. He is close to those who trust in him. Nahum 1:7

…is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs. Zephaniah 3:17

…the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 2 Corinthians 3:17

…faithful; he will strengthen you and guard you from the evil one. 2 Thessalonians 3:3

…full of tenderness and mercy. James 5:11b

In the midst of my depression, it can be hard to see anything other than my deep dark despair. But if I can raise my eyes long enough to look at Jesus, to see that He is with me, that He has never left me, if I can see who the Lord is, I am encouraged and lifted from the pit. Even if it’s only for a short time, I am lighter and refreshed.

all Scripture from YouVersion App, version 8.0.8, New Living Translation

Thinking about the Past Can Cause Anxiety

I met with my therapist last Thursday. Overall, it was a good appointment. We talked about some tasks I had tackled over the previous week – investigating book clubs, knitting clubs, volunteering at a local Adult Care Center. It felt good to be proactive, and it was nice to share that confidence I felt with her.

We discussed my previous experience in participating and then facilitating peer-led support groups for folks suffering with depression. I told her how I would love to do that again, and we brainstormed some ideas on who to talk to about such a group. I’m excited to be thinking about such an opportunity. It’s been such a long time (3+ years) and I’ve really missed it.

We also talked about my darkest times – including the first time I told Chris I was suicidal.  She asked what I remembered about that moment, and I recalled it vividly – could picture myself at the counter in my pajamas and robe. I had just turned around from making a cup of coffee as he was walking towards me. I told him to come closer and hug me. I began to cry, and told him that I was thinking of hurting myself. Chris pulled back from me, his hands still on my arms, and I watched his eyes fill with tears as he told me he couldn’t bear it if anything happened to me. I felt his arms go back around me as he hugged me and I told him I needed help. He whispered, “We’ll get through this.”

Funny, I don’t really remember what happened next. I know my first trip to the hospital emergency room was soon after that (same day? same week?), when I experienced a sudden weakness in my whole body. But I don’t remember the rest of that day’s detail.

I shared with her, too, about the other time I told my husband that I needed help. I recalled the ensuing trip to emergency, waiting in a small room with a couch and examination bed – just me and my husband and the nurse who came and went, turned on the tv, brought water, checked on me. I remember the social worker coming in and telling us there were no beds available in the psych wards in town, and we told her we couldn’t go 2 1/2 hours away to the nearest hospital. She came back in the room and helped me write “a safety plan.” I told my therapist about my doctor friend, Jim, who came on call as I was getting ready to leave the emergency room, and how he assured me that he would take care of us if we needed to come back.

Anyway, after I shared those two stories with my therapist, we went on to talk about how hard it is to say those three words, “I need help.” And our appointment continued from there.

I haven’t thought about those two scenarios in a long time, and as I walked to my car at the end of our session, I suddenly felt anxious. That deep in the gut hollowness of anxiety.

I know that thoughts of the past can be positive or negative, pleasant or difficult. I was just surprised by my physical response to thinking back. It took the rest of the day to shake off that nervousness in the pit of my stomach. But now I know – memory is a very powerful thing.