Out of Sorts

Friday – what a weird day after a long week. I feel discombobulated today – out of sorts. Perhaps a culmination of the past few days.

Saw my psych doc on Monday – my emotional scale scored better than last month’s, so that’s good. I’m pretty stable in the psych world, so don’t need to see him for two months. That’s progress.

Feeling frumpy: saw an ear-nose-throat doc and audiologist on Tuesday – 40+% hearing loss in each ear – prime candidate for hearing aids. I’m only 54 years old! Have gained 5 pounds so my clothes don’t fit right. Can’t read anything without my glasses on. Feeling sorry for myself. Need to figure out how to accept these changes and move on without discouragement. As I’ve said before (last time with humor:) – getting older isn’t for sissies! Paul talks about being content in all circumstances (Philippians 4:11) – not until today did I consider that might include ageing.

Got a haircut on Wednesday, but she didn’t listen and cut where I told her not to. Makes me miss Susie, who did my hair almost perfectly for 12+ years!

Had a good lunch with women from Book Club on Thursday – nice to be included. Took a relaxing nap during the afternoon thunderstorm. Reading a fantastic book for next month’s Book Club – I’m devouring The Nightingale by Kristin Hannah. Have had the book for 24 hours and am already on chapter 17!

Today is a lovely sunny day, but for some reason, it’s causing me to miss my Fort Myers house and pool and beach time. Sitting outside on my porch in Virginia is just not the same as on the lanai in Florida.

Leg pain has greatly abated – only hurts when I turn a certain way. So I won’t turn that direction! So glad to finally have relief, after weeks of severe pain.

Several friends going through really tough times. Have prayed hard for others all week, which is as it should be. Still, only one success story from them all – feels discouraging. So much pain and difficulty, and I am helpless to do anything. But praying is doing something – it’s allowing God to work. You go, God!

Missing my kids, my old friends. As always.

Need to remind myself that days like this happen to everyone. Just a funk. A week of ups and downs.

Tomorrow is Saturday – a lazy day, but includes dinner out with my husband to celebrate Mother’s Day. Then a new week. Glad this one is over soon.

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Early morning ponderings

I woke up at 1:30 a.m. and got up at 2:00 a.m. Not for any particular reason, like I couldn’t sleep. More like I just wanted to be up. Weird, huh?

I was thinking about a good friend in my old workplace who recently got a new job – I found out yesterday that she had changed employers. It made me excited for her. She’s the kind of person who would be great in a variety of positions, so I’m eager to chat with her and see how she’s liking it.

I thought about all the staff at my old job, how much I love our friendship even across the years and miles, how often and fondly I think of them, and how busy and tired they’re going to be as they install a new traveling exhibit this week. It’s a heavy one! I prayed for safety for them as they carry those large pieces into place. I wished I could be there for the chaos, and the satisfaction of a job well done, the smiles and giggles when the guests play with it all.

I began thinking about my sister and her family – we chatted earlier this week. But I forgot to ask if the clothes and books I gave for Christmas were a good “fit.” I sure wish we lived closer so we could grab lunch together and talk longer.

I thought about my girlfriend who lives far away and anticipated our weekly phone conversation tomorrow. I always look forward to our talks!

I was thinking about my friend Carol, who blogged yesterday about her day. I chuckled as I drank my mid-night tea (read her blog to understand why). Her husband has just started a new job, and I’m happy for the change of pace they will get to enjoy as a family.

Funny, three of these folks have seniors in high school. I thought about all those similar deadlines and events swirling through their heads each day as they plan and dream. Both the kids and the parents!

I’m enjoying the quiet of this early morning time. I think I’ll have another cup of tea and read on my Kindle.

Slumber on, world!

I’m not sure yet…

As my previous post indicated, the doctor added a new medication – Rexulti – to my antidepressants cocktail. I started 3 weeks ago, for 2 weeks at 0.5 mg, then this week at 1.0 mg, and up to 2.0 mg before I see him in a couple of weeks. And he said that if I feel better at the 1.0 mg level, I can stay there.

But how can I tell? I’ve been having such a good time!

My kids have been here – my daughter last week and my son stayed on another week, so my days have been full of family and laughter. We had a wonderful Christmas Day, and my son’s birthday, and all the days surrounding. We saw the new Star Wars movie, played games, watched movies and shows on Netflix. We shopped a little, the guys went hiking on the Appalachian Trail, and we’ve eaten delicious food. We tried a brewery and a distillery. In my mood app, where I rate every day to keep track of mood trends, each day with my children here has been a 9. A 9! I usually live at a 6 or 7, so 9 is significant, especially for a full week.

So what happens when we all go back to normal? When my son leaves to go back north and my husband goes back to work and my days become just me and the cat? Where will my mood be?

The Bible reminds me not to worry about the future. That “each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)” That “… neither the present nor the future, … will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)” It’s only a waste of my present time to worry about how I’ll be feeling in a few weeks.

It will be a week and a half from the time my days get quieter until I see my doctor again. That should give me enough time to assess my mood and any effect of these new meds.

In the meantime, I’m really enjoying the moments!

Wishing you a Happy New Year – full of physical and emotional health!

Flat

In depression, between descending into the dark or coming up into the light, there is flat.

Flat affect. Flat enthusiasm (an oxymoron). Flat attitude. Flat outlook. Flat energy.

For me, it usually happens when the meds aren’t quite right.

A month ago, I had been on the edge of a depressive episode, so the psych doc and I increased one med and I’ve been using my blue light. He said that I’d feel better in 7 to 10 days.

It’s been a month. I don’t feel better. I don’t feel worse, either. I feel flat.

Flat is a lot like depression – indeed, it’s part of it, but I tend to feel it more distinctly – as its own symptom – on the way out of depression. Even though the effects are similar, depression has a downward pull, where flat is flat, not down.

Like I could take it or leave it. All of it. Nothing really matters. I don’t have strong feelings of sadness or anxiety, nor do I feel excitement or joy. I don’t really want to do anything. I eat because I’m supposed to; I’m not usually hungry. I’m able to do the things I need to do, be around the people I need to be with, can even overcome the apathy to run errands or attend the ladies’ Bible study. I don’t really want to, but I will.

In depression, the desire to stay home in my pajamas, is so strong! In flat, I can go out and do. In all truthfulness, I go out and do during depression, too. But it’s way harder; I really have to fight myself. In flat, there’s just the barest speck of desire to go and do, so it’s just a hint easier. I can hardly tell the difference myself.

Last week, I accompanied my husband on a business trip, and got to hang out with my kids while he worked. I wanted to go, but wasn’t overly excited like I’d think I would be normally.  I trusted that I would have fun once I got there. And I had a wonderful visit with my kids – was able to live in and enjoy the moments. Our entire family laughed a lot, especially on a relaxed Friday night. But those feelings didn’t stay with me, nor can I reach back to retrieve them. They simply were. And now they’re not.

This flatness happens on my journey up and down with depression. It’s often a first indicator that something is wrong, that depression is threatening to return and wreak its havoc. That’s flatness with a downward pull.  And it comes back when I’m recovering, emerging from the darkness and into God’s light of hope and expectancy.

Usually a tweak in meds will do the trick, and I can bounce the rest of the way up. So I’ll tell my psych doc on Friday that I’m not where I thought I’d be in my recovery, and see if a small adjustment will fix it.

And I’ll remind myself, yet again, that God is with me through my depression. He has not abandoned me, even when I descend into the dark thoughts of depression.  He’s with me in the flat.  And He rejoices with me when I emerge on the other side. He’s my constant companion – I am never alone.

Saving on airline fares

Drove over 2900 miles, twice across 7 states. Listened to hours of podcasts and Public Radio. Visited dear friend and her family. Camped for 4 days with life-long family friends. Great vacation!

Body is sore and tired. 

Missing my kids. 

Didn’t take any camping pictures – what was I thinking?

Laundry is done. Camping boxes are repacked. Went back to work. Saw the masseuse and chiropractor today. Almost returned to normal routine. 

Just another memory. Time went too fast. 

The older I get, the more I have is just memories. Having a hard time living in this moment. It was easier on vacation. Now I’m left with longing for family and friends.