Elegiac Fog

In 2009, I went through a “pharmacological brain meltdown,” as my psych doc adjusted my meds after I experienced a serotonin toxicity. My therapist recommended that I keep an e-journal, since at the time I was unable to write legibly. He told me to send them to him; I kept them for myself, too.

When we were given this writing assignment for Writing 201: Poetry, I immediately thought of this email.  These thoughts of fog come from there. I’m formatting it to (almost) meet the requirements of a (non-rhyming) elegy, but intentionally leaving the misspellings – this is the fog I was in then.

you’ll have to read through the lines –
the meds make it really hard
to concentrate,
and so I find
I keeep going bsck to backspace
and fix an errorr, and missing.

sorry.
too much
work to fix them all.

yesterday, i felt
like I was listing
to the left –

today – today, the tide
blows me to the right some.
I’ve lost 3+ weeeks –
don’t feel lkike I’ve gained.

Chrus says he can telll
I’m a little better
every day –
I dont’ see it.

How am I gonna drive
to work? Or ansswer
emails or the phone
or do my jpb?

Just sitting here,
in a bubble
that waves around me and
makes everything foggy
and out of focus –
wait – in focus –
no – out of focus
again.

Amnd what am I supposedd to do
with myseflf in thte menatme?
I’m tired.

I’,m incapabable
of doing anything
faster than a snail’s pace
(even then, I might trip
and fall down
or spill something).

What am I supposed to do?

Alll I am capapble of
is laying down,
and maybe crying
before I fall alseep.

How long will this go on?
I misssed two appoitnemnts with you last week –
I hope you got the messaage that I was
in the hopsital trying to fix meds.
sure wish you had come to see me.

Concrete, Animals. (not concrete animals, notice the comma!)

/\    /\ 
Archie My 
sweet companion 
for so many years. 
\ I thought we would have /
  / much more ^ time together.\
I was eager to spend 
hours scratching 
under your 
 chin and behind your ears. 
  Your purr is a noise! You tell 
 me that you love me in so many 
 ways. When you wait at the edge 
 of the kitchen and watch for me to 
 sit down on the couch. Just waiting. 
 Then you saunter into the living room 
  without even a glance in my direction. 
 Oh! You're so surprised that I'm there!
 And         you jump onto my lap and lay across the                 
book        I'm trying to read, gently pushing your          
     way      into my lap to demand to be rubbed. You            
       are      such a clever kitty! Petting your                    
rumbling body helps me relax and focus     
                           on the         moment.                         
image

Trust Drop Acrostic

Today’s poetry blog class – acrostic,
Rhyming and writing this form.
Usually this timing is not my norm.
Simply right now as I’ve made this commitment
To write on the poetry class daily assignment.

Do you recall the trust drop?
Ready, set, fall into the
Open arms of the
Person who stands behind you.

Limerick

A Journey with Jesus through grief:
His company brings great relief.
I won’t walk alone –
He’ll make Himself known.
He asks me to trust and believe

promises written in His Word,
like grace – to me freely offered.
I cast all my fears.
He’ll catch all my tears.
He is Jesus, the gentle Shepherd.

I’ve tried to run ahead of Him.
I’ve been sure that the “this” was the “when.”
But I’m learning to wait,
And to God dedicate
myself to His perfect plan.

He knows the future I face.
He created me for just this place.
Tho’ I don’t understand,
I’ll cling to His hand
And together, but He’ll set the pace.

Haiku

writing 2-0-1
depression in poetry
wordpress blogging class

a challenge for me
like putting on mascara –
easier not to!

how to define it
in only seventeen taps
as I count it off:

dark clouds that descend
bury hope, reason and me.
i am lost inside;

there is no way out.
then a beam of light pierces;
friends tell me “Hold on!”

Jesus is with me.
His Presence is always here.
He never leaves me.

i might not feel Him
but His Word promises me
i am not alone.

He covers me like
a shower in the springtime:
gentle, warm, peaceful.

He pours His hope to
fill my soul with His Light and
gives me peace and rest.

the darkness will turn
to clouds lifting to show me
the clear skies revealed.