This is the word I’ve used recently to describe how I feel.
In the past couple of weeks, I’ve had several down days. Days of loneliness, days of insecurity, days of grayness.
Feeling untethered, unanchored. Bobbing up and down in choppy seas.
Not sure of my purpose. Not sure of my “why.” Not sure of what tasks to undertake next. Not sure of who I am or who I will be. Or even who I want to be.
Uncertain of relationships and commitments and activities.
Wondering what it might be to live in wholeness, instead of simply existing between depressive episodes. I’m going through a workbook to address that issue – living in fullness and wellness in spite of a mental health diagnosis (Fresh Hope). And I wonder what that feels like. I think I define myself as “a depressed person, currently in remission.” What would it be to call myself “healthy, with possible – occasional – bouts of depression?” Transition the focus to the positive. I’m hoping this workbook will help me in that mental shift.
In the meantime, I finish up my job. I’m excited about my trip to hang out with my daughter and best friend, and connect with other dear friends and a cousin, too. I anticipate future volunteer opportunities, yoga classes, starting a mental health support group. I’m praying about that last one in particular, that God would line up all those details.
And that I would no longer be assembling my boat in the middle of the ocean, adrift and bobbing up and down in the waves.
But then I remember:
“So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls...” Hebrews 6:18-19 NLT (http://bible.com/116/heb.6.18-19.nlt)
I cry out to God for refuge, and then I am anchored in His love for me – His promise of eternity with Him, because of the sacrifice of His Son, Jesus. He has a hold on me. I will trust Him for my future. I need to continue to assure myself that He won’t let me float away. He’s got a gracious grip on me and my future, and I am secure in His grasp.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11 NLT (biblegateway.com, Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation.)
I have hope. He is an anchor for the soul. A safe harbor. A refuge. God’s got me, and I am fine.