When I grow up

Is anybody else struggling with who they wanna be when they grow up?

My kids are adults now. They live independently. Successfully. Without me. Which is as it’s supposed to be. If I did my job right, and I think I did, they are well equipped to live as responsible decent human beings. I continue to pray that they love God and follow Him as they did in their youth.

But I’m left with wondering what I should do next. Now that I’ve raised my kids, it’s time to find what’s on the agenda for me.

Most women my age – early in empty nesting – have gone back to work. Some have gone back to school. Many, including myself, are volunteering.

I’m excited about a new ministry that I am starting – a chapter of Fresh Hope at our church, which is a peer-led support group for folks who struggle with mental illness, and their loved ones. This is a ministry that I’m really excited about, and have dreamed of for years. It’s finally happening! Our training as facilitators is almost complete, and we’ll start meeting as a group at the beginning of January.

I’m quitting my job – again – right before Christmas – and will dedicate myself to this new ministry. But I wonder what I’ll do with my extra time, and am looking into becoming a peer support specialist. The training I’ve found doesn’t quite fit into my otherwise-free schedule, so I’ll explore continuing education as an option.

I’m also thinking about writing a book, which is something I think many bloggers consider. But I have a friend who has recommended a program that helped him publish his book, so it’s worth more review.

I considered all of these concerns in a previous blog post, so I’m not surprised that they are still issues I’m resolving. I probably need to discuss all of this with my therapist, since it seems to be a recurring theme!

But I think I’ve made her mad, or at least, I’ve introduced conflict into our relationship. That’s not a bad thing – just an issue to be addressed. I need to be honest with her as I consider my life and depression and all that it entails. She pointed out at our last appointment that I’m going to have my depression “in my face” if I write a book about it. That, along with the mental health support group, puts my depression front and center, and she cautioned me about balancing that with health so as not to be waylaid by it. Good point.

But I need some help navigating my next steps. I need clarification. I need her to say back to me what I’m saying, since I can’t seem to hear myself. What is it I want to do? What steps do I take to make “it” happen? What other commitments can I make that are healthy and feed my long-term goals? I need her to help me figure this out.

And if you have any insights, I’m listening! Please include your thoughts in the comments below!

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Fighting for Mental Health

I’ve had several down days in these past couple of weeks. I cried in my therapist’s office. I beat myself up about my past parenting. I’ve caught myself using self-deprecating words to myself, speaking negatively to me about me.

My husband has noticed – he’s very tuned in to my moods. In fact, he saw it before I did. But I’ve noticed a lower rating on my daily mood scale. So I’ve known something was going on.

We had a week or more of rainy days, so I was lacking in natural Vitamin D (I take a supplement anyway). I had some serious self-evaluation going on, and had to fight my own negative voices with God’s truth about how He sees me. My left leg is causing consistent shooting pain; it could be lumbar stenosis, which doesn’t really get better except with pain relievers and gentle stretching – when whatever inflammation exists subsides. Walking hurts, so exercise is hard(er) for me.

I realized today the foundational truth of Fresh Hope, the peer-led support group we’re starting at our church. Their mission is: To empower individuals with a mental health challenge, along with their loved ones, to live a full and rich faith-filled life in spite of having a mental health diagnosis.

I can choose to live a life that is rich and faith-filled. I can choose mental health vs. mental illness.

I have a mental health diagnosis – Major Depressive Disorder, Moderate to Severe, Recurrent. But that doesn’t mean I’m always depressed. Right now, my depression is in remission, and I’m relatively healthy (except for my leg pain).

It means, like I told my therapist today, that I realize that sometimes I can coast, and other times I have to fight for my mental wellness. So I’m fighting for it a bit right now. That’s ok.

Depression Analogies

So many times through this journey with depression, I have thought “once and done.” Like, “There! That depressive episode is over and now I’m all better!” But in my case, that’s just not the way it is. I keep walking with it – it sidles up next to me on my life’s path.

Depression is an unwelcome visitor who keeps arriving on my doorstep. I try not to invite him in, but sometimes he sticks his foot in the door so he can push it back open. He wants to come in and make himself at home. And he’s been here before, so he’s a familiar guest. I want to close the door and bolt the lock!

Depression is a deep cavern with a hidden entrance in the ground. One misstep, and I could fall in. If I land at the bottom, it will be very hard to crawl out. The sides are slippery mud and jutting rocks. The cave is dark. My hands will bleed from pulling myself up towards the exit.

Depression is a wet gray wool blanket, weighing me down and dampening everything. It’s heavy, and I can’t see through its tight weave. And it stinks!

Depression is an ongoing battle. As a soldier in the fight, I must stay alert to the enemy’s tactics, and be quick to action so – at best, I can defeat it, or – at least, I can keep it at bay. “Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil.” Ephesians‬ ‭6:11‬ ‭NLT‬‬ (italics mine)

May is Mental Health Awareness Month

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I Googled Mental Health Awareness images, to find a new Facebook Profile picture to represent this month. There are lots of posters out there!

Imagine different colors and shades of green, different fonts and different pictures.

Here’s what some of them say:

 

 

 

Wear green!

Break the stigma. Break the silence.

1 in 5 people will suffer from some form of mental illness in any given year.

1 in 4.

Not all pain is physical and not all wounds are visible.

You wouldn’t be ashamed to tell your friends you have the flu, so why do we stay quiet about mental health?

Inspired – Informed – Involved.

Be aware!

Keep talking about mental health.

About 900,000 people commit suicide every year…and mental disorders are one of the most prominent and treatable causes of suicide. (That number is now actually closer to a million per year worldwide.)

No Health without Mental Health.

Stand up against stigma.

You’re not alone.

Depression. Anxiety. Phobia. Panic. OCD. Schizophrenia. Eating Disorder. Self-harm. Post-traumatic stress. Bipolar Disorder.

Take care of your stress.

Let’s talk about it.

Silent no more.

Behind the mask.

Be the change.

You are safe here.

And one of my favorites, from Consolidated Agencies of Human Services in Hawthorne, NV (cahsnv.org):

[Encourage others to seek help. Raise awareness of mental illness and where to get help. Teach respect for the daily challenges of poor mental health. Advocate to expand availability of effective treatments and supports. Nurture understanding among all.]

 

I urge you to find out what’s happening in your community this month to reduce the stigma of mental illness. Learn about mental health. Attend a lecture. Participate in a walk. Reach out to a hurting friend. Seek help if you think you have a mental illness.

Let’s talk about this!

It’s Easy

The thing about depression is – it’s easy.

No, depression itself is not easy – it’s actually a very hard journey. But descending into depression is a cinch. Easy-peasy.

All it takes is several days of feeling alone, using first-person depression language or beating myself up, poor diet and/or sleep, ongoing physical pain. A few negative components, and depression is within reach.

Of course, wellness should be reaching toward the positive, toward mental health, not illness. But sometimes, mental illness feels closer to my grasp.

This should make me fearful, or at least cautious. The problem is, it all feels so familiar. So it’s not scary; it’s almost comforting.

Which makes me scared. And that’s healthy.

I’m realizing that I’m often so close to the edge of the cliff – to the precipice of depression’s chasm.

That means I need to fight really hard for mental health. For mental wellness.

I need to initiate my ladder – the steps my therapist told me to put into place to help me when I find myself in this darker place. Step one – sit with the tears. Well, I don’t have any of those right now. Just a familiar sadness.

Step two – Tell my husband and best friend. My husband will be home shortly, after having been out-of-town for a few days – I hate to admit that this probably contributed to my current emotions. I’m okay with him being gone until about day five – then it gets hard for me. So that piece will improve soon!

Ok, time to be really honest here. Let’s back up a few minutes. Drinking wine does not help depression. I suspect that if I hadn’t had a couple of glasses of wine – which is a depressant! – I wouldn’t be feeling so negative right now.

I’ll write more about my ladder of self-care another time. The steps really don’t matter for this particular post. What matters is to illustrate that depression can be only a few choices away.

So I need to make wise choices. Initiate my ladder of self-care. Get good sleep. Eat a healthy snack, healthy meals. (Too bad I had to throw away that salad mix due to the recall – that was my healthy meal!) Get regular exercise. Be careful with alcohol.

Ultimately, I must remind myself of God’s truth about me, because that’s what really matters. He loves me no matter what. I am a new creation, because of Jesus’ grace. Depression is not who I am; I am a precious daughter of the king of the universe, the king of all creation.

Reminding myself of these truths are keys to fighting the familiarity of depression. Keys to fighting the lies of the enemy. Keys to my mental health.