Celebrate with me!

I had a realization a couple of days ago: I’ve been an entire year without a depressive episode! That’s the first time in eleven years!

Yes, I had some bumps. And some down days. But that’s part of living; that’s not depression.

I attribute this milestone to several factors.

1. I take my medications faithfully. And if I feel myself dipping towards depression, I tell my psychiatrist so he can modify my meds.
2. I was actively involved in a support group: Fresh Hope. We met weekly – folks who struggle with mental health issues and loved ones – and we talked and encouraged one another. More importantly, we reminded each other of the hope we have in Jesus – hope that allows us to live well in spite of a mental health diagnosis.
3. I wrote a WRAP – a plan that outlines my triggers, my indicators, my “plan of attack” if depression should resurface.
4. I told my husband and friends if I was feeling low for more than a couple of days. Just saying it out loud helped.
5. I prayed for strength. And my family and friends prayed for me too.
6. I stayed in God’s Word each day. The Bible is full of the hope we have in Christ and how much God loves us.
7. I talked to a therapist regularly. I know myself well enough to recognize that I really benefit from talk therapy. In fact, I’m without a therapist right now, due to just having moved here a couple of months ago, and I can tell by my mood that I really need to talk to a counselor.
8. I got out my gratitude journal again, and resumed recording those things for which I’m thankful. Studies show that counting blessings is effective in fighting depression.

I’m celebrating this victory, and hope you’ll join me!

Anticipation

Expectancy. Looking forward. These words connote a positive contemplation. But what if the anticipation isn’t positive? Does that make it “dread?”

We’ve lived here in Colorado Springs now for just over a month. And as I’ve said before, we seem to have settled in quickly. I’m pretty sure we’ve found our church already, and I’ve signed up for Women’s Bible Study, which starts mid-January: a great way to meet women my age. I’m participating in a weekly prayer group of moms who gather to pray for their kids (Moms In Prayer), and that’s very rewarding – with the exception of a time while I was living in Virginia, I’ve been involved in this international ministry for 22 years! One of the women from that group has introduced me to some knitting clubs in the area – I’ll go next week. Finally, we met a couple through a mutual friend, and have gotten together with them several times: new friends!

So what am I dreading?

Well, I know my pattern. After 4-5 months of living in my new location, I descend into depression. At least, that’s the way it’s always been before. So as I look to the next several months, I’m concerned for my mental health.

I know this time could be an exception. I’m on a good combination of medicines. I’m reaching out to form new relationships. I’m hoping to get established with a therapist while I’m mentally healthy, so I’m prepared in case depression happens. I have access to past therapists if I need them. So I’m ready.

But it’s there. A little bit of dread. Of worry. Last time, those closest to me, and I myself, missed the early warning signs. So perhaps this anticipation is good – it has me alert and attentive.

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.” Philippians‬ ‭4:6‬ ‭NLT‬‬

So that’s what I’ll do. I’ll pray about my concerns, and trust God that He’ll be with me, as He has been every other time.

On the Road

We are on the road, traveling across the country! Moving from VA to CO, a total of 1555 miles. We left home around 10:30 this morning – it took us awhile to load the “few” remaining things into the Mini and the Sorento.

Those few things included all the cat paraphernalia, three suitcases, a couple of items that the movers missed – a glass cutting board, a laundry room decoration – snacks, the computer, lawn chairs, the air mattress with sheets, blankets and pillows, a box of dishes, and other items we need in the apartment before our household goods arrive. So the sports car and trunk of the Kia are stuffed!

We’re hauling the Mini behind the Sorento – that’s a new experience. It’s a bit of a surprise to glance in the rear view mirror and glimpse a car following so closely! Oh wait – that’s us!😀

The cats have done pretty well, especially considering that their trips in the car up to now have only been to the veterinarian. This is much more significant – 15 minutes versus 8 hours. The younger, Henry, is the cry-baby. The elder, Annie, just quietly curls up in the crate, even though she didn’t want to go in either.

We stopped at a rest stop and let them out of the crate to wander around the folded-down back seat and trunk. Annie even used the litter box, while Henry tried to find a spot down low where he could disappear from this torture. After about 30 minutes, we put them back in their cocoon and started the final part of today’s drive – to Louisville, KY.

Our route today took us through part of West Virginia. It is beautiful, and I can understand why there’s a song about its roads. Winding – even the interstate is twisty, and the trees are changing colors, so the mountainsides are shades of red and orange and yellow in addition to the green and brown.

We’re in Kentucky now. So far, it’s flat with some hills. I haven’t seen the acres of horse farms – I hope we get to see that tomorrow. In the meantime, there are fewer semis and even less car traffic than we had earlier today.

Tomorrow we’ll drive to my sister’s in MO. From there, we’ll be halfway to our new home. In all, we’ll drive through Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, Indiana, Illinois, Missouri, Kansas, and Colorado. That’s a lot to see.

Email to an old therapist

I’m not sure if I’m going to send this email. I don’t want to bug you. But I started to write it last night as I was going to bed, and it stuck with me until morning. So here it is. 

We move across the country in five days. I’m still excited, and have peace of mind about the decision to move. That’s what we always pray – for God’s sense of peace in our decisions. And we have that. 

I didn’t think I’d feel anything about leaving VA. But I’ve had an impact here – in bringing and starting and leading the Fresh Hope group (support group for those with mental health challenges and those who love someone like that – freshhope.us), and in my volunteering at the Daily Living Center (adult daycare). Both groups gave me farewells this week – they said very affirming and humbling things. I’m really going to miss the friendships and the leadership opportunities that they afforded, as well as the relationship aspects. I’ve said goodbyes to friends at church – did I even know I had friends at church?!

We’re going to a farewell dinner tonight – with people my husband used to work with, and my two other friends here. They’re not long relationships like I had in WI, but friends nonetheless. Which is more than I’ll have when I get to CO. I know some people there, so it won’t be a completely blank slate. But the pressure is on me and me alone to make friends – there’s no job or kids to provide an introduction into a new situation. 

You know me and change – I always find it hard. And I’ve had to move so many times in my adult life. Each move has begun with a mild depression, except the one that started my entire journey with depression – that one was deep and dark and long. That move, which should have been simple since I was moving back to a place I had lived before, was the impetus for years of the battle with depression. Of course, if it hadn’t been for that, I never would have met you. And you counseled me through all those years to a healthier me, for which I am forever thankful.

Seems my thoughts always turn toward you, and the safe place of your office, sitting slouched on your couch, when my mood is down. And despite my excitement for the move, my mood was down last night and this morning. 

I’ve really liked my most recent therapist – she understood me quickly, though we didn’t go through depression together. I’ve said goodbye to her, but she’s offered to counsel me if I need her before I find someone out there. Until her, I feel like I’ve never really had anyone besides you, so this is new. Maybe it means I won’t call you in distress, if I have distress. Will I have distress? I’m trying not to assume so. 

Anyway, I wanted to touch base, as I always do when I’m facing change. So maybe I’ll hit send after all. 

Getting My Attention

I just love it when I realize that God is teaching me a lesson, when He speaks to me from several venues, but always the same message. And when I get it, I say “Ohhh. I’m listening now, Lord!”

A couple of days ago, I was reading my devotional from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. I love this book – such a great way to start my day. The point of her message was that when I chose to spend time with God, meditating on His Word, He will give me His peace to replace my fears and worries.

I then opened my email, read an e-devotional by Ann Voskamp (A Holy Experience), and was reminded that I am not what the media would tell me I am, but that God is the One who sees me as beautiful. When I think of myself as fat or out of shape or unattractive, I was encouraged to replace the messages from magazines and TV with the truth of God’s Word, that He calls me Beloved. He sacrificed Himself for me, He loves me unconditionally, completely. He sees the inner me, and I am beautiful in His eyes.

A couple of emails down, I read my e-devotional from Jennifer Lee, and it reminded me about taking my thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ (2 Cor. 10:5). So when I’m thinking that I don’t measure up, I wish I had a better body, I feel inadequate because my days are long and I don’t see how I’m contributing anything to anyone, then I need to recognize that these are not thoughts from Christ.  They are lies that cause me to question my value. But Christ says I’m valuable, I’m treasured, I’m important, I’m loved – so much that He died for me. And His words are Truth.

After journaling about these lessons and finishing my morning emails, I flipped on the TV as background noise for while I was knitting. Enjoying Everyday Life with author Joyce Meyer was on, and I found myself watching instead of knitting. She told the audience to be careful with thoughts, that dwelling on the negative ones is contrary to how God wants us to think. “Ohhh, I’m listening now, Lord!”

I recalled Philippians 4:8: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” 

Four separate venues, but all to get my attention. God wants me to think truth, not lies, and when I do, I will be flooded by His peace (“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!” Isaiah 26:3).

God reminds me that I am His treasured child and He has a plan all worked out for my good. I don’t need to fret about our relocation and living situation, or my body image, or what my future holds. I am to spend time with Him in His Word, and keep doing what He gives me to do. And when I choose to release my worrisome and negative thoughts to Him, He will give me His peace to replace those thoughts.

I’m so glad He got my attention.